My 2019 Christmas Card Letter

I retired eight years ago on my 54th birthday, and I'm about to turn 62. May I tell you a story? It's the most compelling story I have.

When I was 56 I started therapy. I got fired by several therapists which is kind of funny. Therapists and members of the healing community are very gentle when they discard you. Finally I found an effective match - a gestalt practitioner who told me I had suppressed memories and scary things locked away in little boxes deep in my head. He was right.

When I was 58 I realized: I'd been beaten violently through my tender young years. I'd been raped repeatedly over the course of three years by a priest. And from that trauma I formed behaviors that tended to protect me, which were effective in the short term but it turns out, aren't very effective in the long term. I have two blog posts describing it -- but it's all just grim details.

None of this is unique; the classic path of an abused kid is hypervigilance, initiative, protection, very fast thinking, doing their job well and avoiding repercussions. If they live a long time they realize these behaviors are not necessarily effective for a 60-year old who's a husband, father, etc.

And even more curiously, I ended up in a career field that praised and promoted people for emotional detachment, dissociation, and unwavering focus in deteriorating conditions. So my career both benefitted from my dysfunction and reinforced it.

I've realized: from 3 years old to 58 years old, I've been living out my learned responses to violence and I've never really developed "me". My personality is an amalgam of a bunch of survival behaviors. And 58 is a funny age to figure that out. I've wasted my lifespan pursuing distorted and outdated survival techniques, called them a personality and identified with it. And there's a woman who married me and two kids that think I'm the rocky cornerstone of their reality, to some extent.

And on this front, I am simply all fucked up. I don't know what to do. I've got a full team of helpers with various specialties (it's great to have insurance) but I'm unsure of what to do about myself. Thoughts/ advice are welcome. Seriously. In January 2019 she invited me to leave, and I went to a small town about 90 miles east of Pgh where a friend had an empty house while he winters in Florida. In the spring I got a mechanic's job at the local bike shop and I spent the summer living in a tent. It's not too far removed from homelessness. I learned a lot.

I feel like I've done my job and discharged my responsibilities. My spouse is in a nice house that's paid for. My kids are through grad school with no student debt. I've got a fairly generous defined-benefit pension and a big life insurance policy. Not boasting but I think I've done my job.

That's probably more than enough for one email. I'm sorry if I've used up your data plan for the month.

Thank you for enduring my screed, I am very glad to have a friend to send it to. I have no idea what to do in terms of shaping a strategy or path for my mid-term or long-term.