Suicide Advice (Don't!) from a Good Friend
I met a good friend for coffee. It had been quite a while since we met and I was happy to see him. We talked about this and that, about old friends and how they've fared, and then we talked about Me and My Issues over the last years.
He asked: you were never suicidal, were you? And I said, Oh yeah. Not as persistently this year as last year. But I still have suicidal thoughts, maybe two days a week. I told him: I expect I'll always be suicidal, the way some folks are always alcoholic. I think I surprised him.
He valiantly tried to show me the error of my thinking, and particularly by describing the damage my suicide would inflict on my children. So it's guilt, I asked? I'm in jail and I have to stay here because of my kids?
I tried to explain: suicide is about making the pain go away. I have pain that stays with me, that travels with me, that daily reminds me of our pairing. I could film a buddy move with my pain. I have pain that doesn't go away, that makes me not care about the pain to my people. I want to press the "done" button - and I want to be done with all of this.
My good friend asked if I had any thoughts about how to execute it. I have detailed plans, I said. I think that my family might never be certain if it were an accident or not, and I wanted that ambiguity for them. I think a reasonable suspicion that it might have been just an accident would be a good thing for them.
My friend of over forty years kept at it, but he didn't see why one might do it and so his argument missed the mark. I really appreciated him working at it. Eventually he exhausted his thoughts on the issue and we went on to talk about other things.
I do think I will always be a suicidal. I think I'd find the craziness unbearable if I didn't know I have a way out.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is at 1-800-273-8255