Atypical Trans Late Bloomer

From The Altantic, a French artist's explanation of his mental health, his experience with the mental health system, and a St. Ex story that forestalls his suicide, one day at a time: This resonates with me. I am also continuing to the next big rock. References: The Instinct to Heal , by David Servan-Schrieber (who founded UPMC's Centre for Integrative Medicine in Pittsburgh ) Wind, Sand, and Stars by Antoine St. Exupury

Amanda Kohr, who is @AmandaInADress on twitter, has written one of the few articles I've seen that speak to my predicament: How to Explore Your Queerness When You Have a Straight Partner . I am grateful to see it in print. She specifically explores coming out as bisexual in a straight marriage . This is a big issue in my contemporary life. It is bigger I think than my traumas. It is certainly more immediate. When I was 26, and repressing a lot of memories, I asked a girl to marry me. We lived a cis-het life for 35 years. Because I was angry a lot we went to counseling. I got tossed out of counseling and urged to find a gestalt counselor, which I did. And I did a year of EMDR. They asked me a few questions and when I was 58 years old it all came tumbling out: gay experiences up to the age of 22, which I had repressed and stuffed down deep in a compartment and for a long time I did not remember them. There's more, and this brings up a question that offends many: betwee...

I met a good friend for coffee. It had been quite a while since we met and I was happy to see him. We talked about this and that, about old friends and how they've fared, and then we talked about Me and My Issues over the last years. He asked: you were never suicidal, were you? And I said, Oh yeah. Not as persistently this year as last year. But I still have suicidal thoughts, maybe two days a week. I told him: I expect I'll always be suicidal, the way some folks are always alcoholic. I think I surprised him. He valiantly tried to show me the error of my thinking, and particularly by describing the damage my suicide would inflict on my children. So it's guilt, I asked? I'm in jail and I have to stay here because of my kids? I tried to explain: suicide is about making the pain go away. I have pain that stays with me, that travels with me, that daily reminds me of our pairing. I could film a buddy move with my pain. I have pain that doesn't go away, that mak...

I recently finished Dead Blondes and Bad Mothers: Monstrosity, Patriarchy, and the Fear of Female Power. Excellent book. The first two-thirds is a thorough review of historical monster-making in the service of patriarchy, and the finish is a call to arms. What is a Monster ? In movies we see The Thing, or the Werewolf, or Dracula. In Frankenstein it's pretty clear that the begotten creature is a monster, but it's ambiguous as to whether the Dr. is also a monster. A monster is often a type of grotesque creature, whose appearance frightens and whose existence threatens the human world's social or moral order. A monster can also be like a human; they are commonly portrayed as the lowest class, as mutants, deformed, supernatural, and otherworldly. And so deformed children were once (and perhaps still are) monsters. But the Unicorn Puppy born with a tail on it's forehead is so cute, and doesn't threaten our notion of dogs, so they're good to stay. Animal mo...

I had the occasion to spend two days in a Brooklyn, NY emergency room with my daughter who had mono. Then she spent a few days on a hospital ward. I was very impressed at the quality of care. Various doctors, each with different specialties, came and checked her out and ordered lab tests within their expertise. Two ER physicians, a cardiologist, an epidemiologist, etc. Although the shifts and names changed, they were always checking my adult daughter (24yo) out. I was apprehensive at being in an emergency room on a Friday night. When I was a kid in Brooklyn, ERs were dangerous places to be. People got stabbed in ER waiting rooms. Patients got into conflict with each other. This was a completely different experience. People were civil. One man, sitting with a patient, got into a loud badgering argument with the patient he was supposed to be supporting. Staff took him out of there. It was crowded with beds and patients filling every space. But it went just like it was supposed to. ...