Something's Happening Here; What it is ain't exactly clear

Six years ago now, I recovered lost memories of beatings and rapes and learning to be the best boy I could to avoid "being in trouble". My story has unraveled and become apparatent in non-linear ways, in hints and starts and later recognition.

I've realized I wasn't the pure-hetero I spent 55 years pretending to be. I realized I didn't need to believe in the church that perpetrated the rapes, covered up for the crimes, and conspired to run a local catholic grade school as a rotating supply troop of young boys for the priests to enjoy.

I've realized that when I presented myself as All-American to a young woman and proposed marriage, I was suppressing memories of events and desires and made a false presentation.

When it all came to a head, and I wan't the man she thought she'd married, and I wasn't the man I said I was, that was the end of that. There was no fixing it.

Now, alone and left to myself, I'm growing my hair long. I'm coloring the hair. I wear earrings. I bought a kilt as a way to wear non-standard clothes among men. I bought a woman's sweater at a thrift store because it was my size and I thought the colors were so pretty.

In a drug store I bought false eyelashes and completely mangled my attempt to try them on. Elsewhere I bought an eyebrow pencil and produced horrible results. I hope to find people willing to teach me.

I don't know what's going on with me, but something is.