I am NOT fine.
Most people have seen the meme of a doggie drinking coffee in a cafe, asserting "This is fine" while the place burns all around them. So often I am that dog.
Today I realized (again), I am not fine. I've been through a comfortable and non-agitated few months and things have been better for me, overall. I've had fun and I've felt joy which is no small matter. Today I realized:
- I am moving,
- I am moving forward,
- and: I'm not sure where I'm going,
- but I'm making better time.
I realized today that not only has my life been performative, but my heterosexuality has been performative. It's not a new phrase, but it's the first time I've said it about me.
I am making change. I like the changes I'm making. I'm a little nervous about it.
I still have my depression. I'm still anxious. I'm presenting the "I am better" face to the world. Maybe it's the first time I've realized I've been performing in many aspects of my life.
I remember a quote from a prominent drag queen who said something to the effect of, "Honey life is drag, it's all performative". Today I'm owning that for myself. I think the quote is, "We’re all born naked and the rest is drag" from RuPaul.
I'm making changes and I'm not sure where it ends.