Exploring Bisexuality in a Hetero Marriage

Amanda Kohr, who is @AmandaInADress on twitter, has written one of the few articles I've seen that speak to my predicament: How to Explore Your Queerness When You Have a Straight Partner. I am grateful to see it in print. She specifically explores coming out as bisexual in a straight marriage.

This is a big issue in my contemporary life. It is bigger I think than my traumas. It is certainly more immediate.

When I was 26, and repressing a lot of memories, I asked a girl to marry me. We lived a cis-het life for 35 years. Because I was angry a lot we went to counseling. I got tossed out of counseling and urged to find a gestalt counselor, which I did. And I did a year of EMDR. They asked me a few questions and when I was 58 years old it all came tumbling out: gay experiences up to the age of 22, which I had repressed and stuffed down deep in a compartment and for a long time I did not remember them.

There's more, and this brings up a question that offends many: between the ages of 9 and 11, I was regularly raped by a parish priest. I figure it was 19 times over three years. And the big puzzle for me is: why me? Why not another young boy? Did the priest have a very good sense of gaydar, the way other predators have sharp senses? Did he pick me because he could sense something about me? Or, did I present a pattern of a likely victim (an isolated kid) and did I turn out this way because of what the priest did to me? It is impossible to know.

And yet, a successful marriage for over 35 years. Two kids. Two well-raised kids, the paid-for house, the cars, the American dream. A good-to-great sex life in monogamy. I presented straight to her and gave vows; she's done nothing wrong. She is blameless. And now I have this re-awakened other part of me that likes men, which will not go away, which will not leave me alone.

It is to me a tragedy, a sticky problem beyond my skills answer.

I have sought to spend time with similar people. There's a Bi group in the city with a few activities. There's an older gay men's social organization, and they have breakfasts and bike rides. There's a big-boys Bears club. I've visited with all three, found people who'd listen and asked for their advice.

The time with the Bi group is the most valuable; it's like water in the desert. The two gay men's club are also good, but they're really gay clubs and I'm not sure they "buy into the bi".

I have intractable attractions on the one hand, and a commitment to monogamy on the other, and I think this will be resolved only by my demise.