TM prevented my suicide

I had the plans and procedures figured out. I'd told some people I was thinking about it, and each conversation ended with "promise you'll call me" and I'd say "of course", which is like the most consistently told lie in the universe. I had motive, method, and opportunity; I'd done a shallow practice run; it would seem like an accident; it was irrevocable.

And then TM went and fucked me and convinced me not to do it, and he didn't even mean to.

TM's in a similar life-situation to me, if you paint with broad strokes: same age, retired from the same field, kind of in the wind. He does have a few kids, who each have a few kids, and so he has Grandchildren where I do not.

His most recent grandchild was born with a seriously bad condition. The baby ended up living in the hospital for more than 90 days. There were times when longevity was in question. So the mom & dad are rotating between the two kids at home, working, and standing watch with the baby in the hospital. That's a hard thing to do.

So TM does what a stand-up retiree does, and says: put me in the rotation. I can watch the newborn at the hospital, I can hang at home with the other two. And he's the thing that makes it work for everybody. At any given time you could have yanked him out for a day and they'd work around it, but there's no way they'd have done this over that timeframe without TM.

And this is the first effective (for me) argument I've seen against me killing myself and ending it: because someday one of my kids might need me. Wouldn't it suck to be the young parent, thinking: If only Dad was here to help, but he killed himself. That's dereliction of duty, and by his example and what's he's doing to his own people, TM really blocked my intended suicide.

And so I have a reason to not commit suicide: Someday my kids might need me.

I found out the Boy Scouts have a LifeSaving merit badge, and I got one for TM. He saved my life, and I am struggling with not bearing a wee grudge over it.